Here I am on Day 10: The first day of the rest of my life.
I think of the completion of this cycle of enquiry as the end of a long, steady and deep inhalation… of my Self. Now, I pause… and in this continuing cycle… I enter into the long, slow and deep exhalation as I choose to live my life as an expression of the integration that now comes.
It has been a joy to be part of a journey with all of you that has been honing the edge of possibility. Every day, awakening and moving into the quiet moments to reflect and express. Every day, looking forward to receiving the same, from each of you. And every day, knowing that thoughts shared could and would, change lives.
For me, it is always much less about any particular outcome and more about the process of allowing the exploration – wherever it may lead – that results in living my life without fear. Too often, we press aside rather than embrace our most challenging thoughts, hoping that doing so will quell the agitation and bring peace of body and mind. Rarely is that outcome achieved by seeking to look away from what already has taken hold and pretend it is not so. In our world, we are taught to focus on the good and all else will fall away. In my decades of engaging with others, I have never seen that to be true.
There is no thought undeserving of my consideration. If it has entered the domain of my mind, the platform of my body is now its most effective ’thinker’.
Are we not amazing creatures, such that thoughts shared are sufficient to transform? Over these past 10 days, I see much evidence of that simple truth. Such a reality causes me to pause… and be mindful of my thoughts; and pay particular attention to those that I deem/dare to share. Perhaps it is in that moment of particular attention that I choose either to silence an inner truth and repeat what has always been, or to rise to the full measure of my Authentic Self and reveal. Either way, our impact cannot be avoided or negated. We matter. Every single one of us! Our very existence makes a difference. We are integral to it all and not some random strand of DNA that has entered the fray, in error.
Here’s what I have discovered about myself in this 10-day ‘Whispers from Within’ writing process. It is clear to me:
I am here to agitate.
I have no memory of ever being other than that as an expression of Being. Even in the innocence of having no intention, simply being my Self was agitating to those around me. So be it.
I am here to leave no conversation unengaged.
Whether it is one that is already occurring and into which I am invited or choose to insert mySelf; or if it is one that I must create to make a conversation possible, so be it. I will create the experiences that allow me to be my Self, fully throttle!
I am here to stay awake by awakening the Self in any and all who come into the sphere of my existence.
We are on a spaceship travelling at breakneck speed through the cosmos… and we – all of us, as its crew….must be awake and present. Right now, the vast majority of us are in a coma. How many will it take to navigate and ensure we reach some life-enhancing destination?
In this time with all of you, it has been a gift to profoundly relax into my agitation. Like a spice is intended to awaken the palette, so I am intended to awaken my/the Self. For that, I must be willing to be true to my Self; at all times. It’s easy for me to do when I free myself from any judgement with, around and about it. It becomes the visible and audible act of breathing in and breathing out…. free of the constraints that insist these be tiny and controlled and measured breaths…. stepping into my willingness for it all to be witnessed. Such is our world that we have become unwilling to allow another to hear us breathe.
Being part of this journey for the last 10 days – coupled with the reading and watching and listening that frame the passage of my days, every day – I now know things….have language/content for things… that on Day 1 were more like a rising mist than anything I could name. Now, it is different for me.
There are some discoveries that have served me well for many years. I share them here, more as a reminder to my Self than for any other purpose.
There are no absolutes… no things that stand alone in isolation of anything else. Everything is relative to every other thing; and all of it is nonetheless part of the same expression of Life… of Being. That we do not recognize it does not make it any less all an expression of the same Whole. The context we claim for ourselves will dictate how we interpret that relativity.
After turning eyes in to my Self for these last 10 days, I now come to a close of a cycle that will call to me to turn eyes outwardly, to other than Self. Doing so allows me to now test drive my discoveries. It also allows me to now begin to pay attention to the degree to which the conversations I am having ‘outside’ with others match the ones that I am having ‘inside’, with my Self. The great force to manifest and create lies in their alignment. The greater the alignment, the more quickly the manifestation occurs.
Perspective frames selection. The bigger my perspective, the more expansive and ’tactile’ my choices become; the more able a choice becomes to touch and affect something else. In my courage to reveal, Life gains momentum in the power of contagion. Life is a virus that can be of the greatest virulence, if I allow it to be so. I have often intentionally chosen that my perspective remains small to ensure that my range of resulting choices is small, allowing for a sense of control; for a sense of incremental discovery/growth/change. In those moments, I have lost my capacity to trust in the majesty of who I am intended to be.
It has long and often been said : “The point of power is in the present.” For me to know that… in the very tissue of my being… I must live it. Staying in the now will, without doubt or hesitation, produce physical sensations in the body. Choosing to invite and allow them; choosing to relax, open and make way for the wave of intelligence that is seeking to communicate, will change my life… and my world. This requires that I come to trust my own inner cues…and allow them to lead, without words, without content, without collusion or agreement from any other. In that moment of the ’now’, I stand alone.
The voice in my head says:
* DARE to press against your own conventions; against your own untested ’truths’, absorbed from others rather than claimed in the Fire of your own discovery.
* RISK being wrong; not knowing; not fitting in; being dismissed, isolated, mocked, ridiculed. Staying within the domain of acceptance by others may bring momentary comfort and it is like pushing the delete button on your unique expression of Self; on your curiosity and your willingness to engage authentically.
* INVITE and ALLOW: Embrace it all and hold to nothing! Like water through a screen door, allow what draws your attention to move through you and awaken more of the fullness of who you are.
Dare. Risk. Invite. Allow. These will combine to create the Space that is essential for our evolution; will propel the Movement from within that redefines who we are willing to become; and will create the Flow of Being that is required to manifest from the very core.
For me, at the age of 66, I know that it is about the joy of Being. Whatever unfolds around me, there is always a place for me to stand that invites that reclamation of Self to bring that great joy of Being. It does not mean that I am without doubts; that there are not tears, rage and grief. As I invite and allow all to be in flow within the device of my body, the wave informs the moment… and I become more. The body becomes still… and from that ensuing peace, comes joy.
Thank you all for being part of this 10-day process, whatever path you have chosen for yourSelf. I believe that this process awakens; and I believe that for any who may choose to engage, their lives will transform.
Each of you is essential to our shared reality.
With deep RIG and much aloha,
Day 9: the penultimate, in this journey of inner exploration. We are almost complete, ever mindful that we can begin anew anytime we choose. There is never an end – only pauses along the way to live out discoveries and re-awaken the desire for yet another deep dive into the unclaimed possibilities.
How does it go? The purported Chinese curse says, “May you live in interesting times.” And indeed, we do.
I was 12 during the Cuban missile crisis. My parents were away and I was in the care of our neighbour who was highly positioned within the RCMP and assured me that in the event of a nuclear strike, they would take me with them to their scheduled shelter; leaving me wondering if my parents would die.
In 2008, the world came to its knees, reeling from an economic blow (engineered, I might add) that reverberated around the globe. Millions lost their home, their ability to earn, their marriage, their children…. and still, it would seem we learned little and had even less accountability.
The first, a threat to life – and the ability to sustain life – in all its forms. The second, an attack on the economic structures of the globe leaving little doubt of the interconnectivity of it all.
Today, we live at a time when these levels of fragility continue to exist; and we can now add to those, the in-progress collapse of our biosphere – the bubble of our very existence. That, is unprecedented in my lifetime and in recorded history. That, can bring the ultimate end to life as we know it.
We have historical (archeological and geological) evidence that points to catastrophic events in our not-so-distant (11,500 years) past. Other than the reference to the extinction of the dinosaurs some 66 million years ago, rarely do we hear of our planet being part of such events. We are led to believe that change is evolutionary, leaving us time to anticipate and adapt; leaving us (human beings) with the impression that whatever comes, we’ll take care of it before it takes care of us.
Today, I am so mindful that the game has changed.
Once upon a time, the whole point of our existence was to grow up, get an education and get a job. Once accomplished, the next layer kicked in: the layer of our ability to acquire and consume. With one’s value measured by the size of a paycheque, the money earned by virtue of success was now engaged in the game of getting stuff. The more stuff you get, the more evident (to you and others) your success becomes. From there, you expand by getting married and having children…. and in so doing, increase your consumption capacity. Live and repeat.
Now, it would appear, the game has changed. Our world is becoming unrecognizable at so many levels. So evident is this penetrating change becoming, we now struggle to find ways to numb ourselves to its markers; seeking to find ways to cling to plausible deniability of the looming and inevitable outcomes.
To date, this new game seems to be without name. Leaves me wondering: who gets to name the game and design its play game?
Some say that it is the International Banksters… inventing money that we borrow and pay real interest on. With the click of a key in a digital world, we find ourselves increasingly in debt (to pay for our bottomless pit of consumption), becoming enslaved to that debt and living a life of servitude in its shadow.
Others say that it is Mr. Global… a way of recognizing the power of the corporate entity more powerful than any nation state. These entities create agreements and lobby for legislation that allow them to ultimately be the final say in denying anything (including human rights and sovereign governments) that gets in their way of generating wealth for themselves.
And yet others believe that we are under the control of alien races (yes, plural) that see us only as beasts of burden – resources to be applied and consumed – to meet whatever need presents. The field of exopolitics is gaining strength and credibility.
And those represent only three of the many ideas proffered by those who are seeking to figure out what the hell is happening to us!
Something is going on. Although some attribute our experience of evident and continuing shifts in our climate to global warming due to human-induced increasing carbon emissions, others believe that the changes we are experiencing on Earth are no different from significant changes being observed in the larger solar system. The place we call home – Earth – is not the only celestial body being affected. Murmurs of the incoming planetary system of Nibiru – referenced in ancient texts as a regular part of our solar system – are met with mockery and shrugged off as impossible. Its extended orbit ensures that our earthling memories can only be captured through artifact as we have yet to find a planetary resident who lives long enough to have personally witnessed its arrival (on a 3600-year orbit).
The resources of our planet (water, minerals, any and all organic matter including plant foods, etc) are being harvested at a rate that points to a level of frantic and obsessive extraction. Human beings – men, women and children – are trafficked around the world to be used and abused as objects of gratification to satiate the obsessions and greed of others. We are distracted from noticing, since our focus is pulled to witness the unbearable destruction of human life and property that is in chaotic unfolding through conflicts of varying ’styles’ and degrees, around the globe. With relief, we welcome the mesmerizing and mind-numbing effects of TV, drugs, alcohol… myriad forms of consumption…. that make it possible for us to look away and disconnect ourselves from ourselves; that we might disconnect ourselves from all that swirls around us.
Some, are aware of these and many others threads, all of the time. And others, glance away from their distractions and catch a glimpse of it all…. choosing to quickly look back to their preoccupation and hope for another day. Either way, something is going on… with such ferocity and voracity that we now struggle to maintain the illusion that all is well and it’s just another glitch in our precious matrix of normalcy; and we will find our way through.
I’m no longer so sure about that. It would appear the end-game may not yet be identifiable but it is becoming discernible.
I share these thoughts not to incite debate about their content but as a platform from which to consider (one of the many) insightful observations from Einstein: The problems of today cannot be resolved at the same level of thinking that created them. I would go further and suggest that our reality cannot be altered through the same level of consciousness of our Being, as that which has manifested the current one. It is not our strategies that must change – it is who we are, as Strategist, that much change.
The density and intensity of the vortex of change in our ‘reality’ is increasing. It is becoming more and more difficult to ignore, to look away, to pretend, as we are sucked into that vortex; moving so quickly that we do not wonder where we’re going but end up questioning where we’ve been. Blink… and we’ll miss it! It is becoming a greater and deeper challenge to our expectations, peace of mind and hope for the future of our children.
There was a time, now long ago, when I looked at the world through my human eyes and longed to find my godSource Self. Perhaps, I believed, if I learned enough and struggled enough and was fortunate enough, I would reach up and connect with that godSource in a meaningful way. Now, I see through very different eyes. Rather than look up and believe that mine is to struggle to reach and attain, I now choose to see through godSource eyes and know that the I AM that I am, is already the Creator of it all. In my world of illusions, the ones I create will always shape my life. What I choose, manifests. And who I believe myself to be at the moment of my choosing determines my limitations or lack thereof.
Internal referencing is key to navigating such change. Knowing that I can trust – without hesitation and without question – the inner guidance that speaks in the simple body response of yes, no, turn left, stop, go! Without lengthy and detailed blah blah blah, my body knows exactly what I need to do; when I need to do it; and how to engage. I learned long ago: the body never lies. The question becomes: am I willing and able to hear its messages?
My view? I have no idea who’s designing the game. Truth be told, I really don’t care. I am wise enough to know that I will not the one to intercept the play should Mr. Global decide to make another pass. But I do know one thing for sure: no game can unfold without those willing to play.
Ultimately, we – you and I – feed the game and its outcome, based on our willingness to participate. Don’t like the game or its ending? Don’t play. Design another game. I know that I am not powerless in the living of my life, from one day to the next. The choices I make will always determine the quality of my life. Ultimately, collectively, we determine what the game becomes.
There’s a new wind blowing. Wind. Air. The element of the 4th chakra; the element intended to always be in movement, ensuring that our culturally conditioned beliefs, values and attitudes move…. and shift…. and morph to make way for a different truth and a new reality. Such is what is required to ensure our constant growth and evolution.
I am neither hopeless nor hopeful. Every day, I look out my window as I sip my early morning coffee and I am filled with gratitude…. for my life, the people in it and the joy in living it from one moment to the next. I simply am awake, aware and ready to own the truth of my experience, wherever that may lead me. For me, that will determine the path I carve out for myself.
Inside myself, the ’tone’ of my own enquiry has shifted. As I move from what I know or have known, to what I know I don’t know, there is a sense of being set adrift in a weightless environment. Perhaps this is what a walk in space might feel like.
I am more present to the moment; more in the ’now’ as I release myself from searching and just wait…. for the thoughts to pass by; invitations for me to consider rather than ’trying’ to figure it out or understand it. In that, I realize that the largest context that I will ever find/know/discover/claim is that I AM. Way down at the bottom of that spiral – as the tiny speck in space/time that I have chosen and from which to express – when I remember that I AM the Void, the weightlessness comes.
In the moment. Being and observing it all, at the same time. No external references – past or future. Just the now, the very thing that we have been so meticulously trained to never notice.
I am noticing that my thoughts are so fleeting. I have one; something moves through me and I am changed; and in that short time, it is gone. The things that compartmentalize and divide in my physical world (i.e. what day it is – and when that is claimed, the underlying meaning is that time/space can be labelled; and that if it is X, it cannot be anything other than X, etc.) lose meaning, more and more. Does it really matter if it’s Monday or Saturday? Perhaps what really matters is how I am choosing to live.
I am also noticing that the further I stray from the group-speak and accepted parameters of what matters in a collective, the stranger I sound! Funny how that happens…. Perhaps we are all strange.
Having spent so much of my adult life capturing the moments of my own evolution to generalize for others, I am aware that I am no longer doing that. My thoughts are my own, for me. If witnessed and they matter to another, great. If not, equally great. What matters most, is: am I paying attention?
It is different for me to share what remains (as this process is/has been for me with all of you) than it is to think in order to generalize and share. Once, it was all about the world and others. Now, it is all about me.
I know that I am removing myself, more and more. Oddly, in a world where the story is that hanging on to defining ourselves is what matters most, what I have experienced is that allowing those boundaries to soften and disappear into a larger ’no thing’ has been and is much more meaningful, relevant and potent in making the moment compelling.
Today, I am mindful of consumption. The consumption of thoughts and ideas. The consumption of consciousness. What thoughts am I buying? My own or those of another? What ideas am I choosing to pick off the shelf and take home with me, allowing them to infiltrate my day-to-day expression . How much of my consumption of consciousness emerges from within me and how much swirls around me, waiting for me to select and quiet the chaos?
Today, I am aware of and present to noticing the degree to which external references continue to infiltrate my patterns of consumption. As I move through my day, mine is to notice how many of my thoughts…. my musings…. are in some way connected to yesterday or tomorrow; to a story long told or a dream yet unmanifested. How often does the voice of another penetrate my wonderings about my world; and how frequently are those thoughts about my world ‘out there’ rather than my world ‘in here’.
Imagine a life/reality/day without any external references. Neither guided, influenced nor over-ridden by external references…. things outside the ’now’ moment, as revealed by inner cues.
No references to history.
No story of or from the past.
No rules by which to define my future.
No expectations of others to skew my mindfulness.
No emotions of others to redirect.
What does a life of internal referencing look like? Sound like? And do we notice? Do we notice the degree to which we are directed and redirected by the overt and subtle influences? Do we have a capacity to calibrate for them? We have been trained not to notice. Might we ’train’ ourselves, differently?
Something is going on inside me that is a reflection of what has not yet occurred. I was about to write that my physical body is tied to this physical world…. and yet, I am not so sure about that. “World’ is a vibration and nothing more. When I do/be/think within the confines of matter, I am tied to matter. When I do/be/think outside the confines of space/time, I am tied to nothing; free to take whatever form is meaningful and relevant, in the moment
It seems to always come back to that simple notion of ‘in the moment’. Consuming consciousness in that vast, expansive and forever moment. Our children, more than any other, live easily and naturally ‘in the moment’ until we teach them otherwise. Until we insist they look outside themselves for guidance and direction; look to another to determine their next choice; and look back to anticipate the future. We train them into that which we have ourselves, been trained…. and has now come to shape who we are.
Each of you, in what you have so generously shared in the offering of your own internal truths/discoveries, has paved the way for me to arrive in this moment. I remember the moment, oh-so-long-ago, when I told my mother (as she chastised me for yet another ‘failed’ marriage) that if I were ever going to have a ’successful relationship’, I would first have to divorce myself from her. It changed our lives…. and not in any ways that either of us might have anticipated. The power was in the freedom to be honest; to dare to despair in each of us not fulfilling the unlived/unexpressed dreams of the other. In that moment, the door opened for us to be unique and authentic, with each other. A dance of equals rather than a dance of mother/daughter. She, free of the burden of having to shape me; and me, free of the burden of having to adapt to being shaped by another.
So today, I simply notice. How much/how often that which is other than my Self creeps into my consumption of my own consciousness and numbs me to magnificence; redirects me to settling for a ‘reality’ of caring/responding/acclimating to any and all things other than Self. In this moment, I am so aware of the great, organized and ancient effort to ensure that I pay attention to anything BUT my Self.
Today, perhaps you will notice, too.
In my own life and with others, I became aware of patterns and how these patterns, themselves, become the very fabric of our existence; aware that they come to shape our very lives into what we come to call ‘reality’. These patterns come to be relied upon as not only the right thing and the appropriate thing, but the essential thing for our wellbeing or, even, survival. And in truth, they are ’no thing’ other than our own habits of mind/thought. They are only as real and as potent as we deem them to be.
In my time in engaging with others, I had noticed that once past the initial hesitation and agitation, many could not resist The Call from within to discover. After a couple of days of new information, coupled with the increasing safety that would come with deepening rapport, they were eager to explore… to a point.
We would trundle merrily along, daring and venturing; courage and curiosity in the lead… and then, we would hit a wall. Around the 5th or 6th day in a program room, things would slow, in the recognition of a discomfort, appeased; like feeling stuffed after a big meal, hunger having become a faded memory. In the face of continuing unabated, the deep, undenied and wordless fear would settle in: if we go further, we will cross a threshold… leaving the compound of our familiar realities… and there will be no turning back. No turning back…. no retreating into the safety of what has always been… no referencing what we have always known… and therefore, risking the great discovery that there is no absolute reality – and there is no answer. There is only the one we choose to breathe life into, in the moment. Sequences of moments create a life lived or a life in which living is stifled.
That deep, undenied and wordless fear of our world, becomes visible in ourselves and with others. Such an awareness would mean we would no longer be willing or able. It would mean that we would no longer be willing to pretend; to be silent; to make small the enormous issues in our lives. To continue would mean to lose all shape and form, as we knew it to exist for ourselves… and we would once again be without the benefit of history and the wisdom of our experience. No maps. No charted territories. No reference points. If we continue, structure will fall away.
No form. No familiar vessel relied upon and into which we have poured our Essence, to be contained. Containment is essential for our very survival – or so it is that we have come to believe. Containment. Familiar. Predictable – of us to others and of others, to us. Appropriate. Acceptable. Sequential and incremental, so that others may recognize us when they see us, ensuring we speak the same code and can be understood. Safety- as we have come to believe and often, for very good reasons – resides in predictability. In that, we can anticipate and plan accordingly.
What comes to mind is what is known as ’the tower of Babel’ moment. That terrifying instant when we find that we are a strangers in the face of each other. We speak and no one understands. Others speak, and we do not hear meaning. We stand alone. Totally, completely and fundamentally alone.
And so, we seem willing to go so far – and then, no further.
We are willing to evolve – but need to stop so that we can slide back a little and recognize ourselves. We even say things, like “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Very telling….
We ensure that we find ways to stop….. become still…. and allow the world to progress so that we might once again feel the need to catch up. Catching up becomes our motivation; and it also becomes our bind. We cannot allow ourselves to get ahead of our ability to control our changing reality. But in that, we are still moving within the familiar form; moving within the protected eye of the storm.
With all good reason, we have so little stamina for our own evolution; so little endurance for the long haul of perpetual becoming, thinking one course a year is going to transform our lives. It is not the course that transforms – it is our unshakeable and unrelenting commitment to expressing the truth of our own experience, visibly and out loud in the presence of others, that transforms our lives and our world.
I often found myself wondering: what would happen if we were to NOT stop. If we were to just keep going…. inhale and dive again… and again… and again, as it becomes a way of life. The dive, itself, becomes the committed intention, making way for whatever will follow.
Today is Day 7. At some level, I am ready to stop. I could say to each of you that we have done enough; we have come far enough to ensure the constant presence of a faint call; that it has now become evident that there is no answer so, why continue? What value could there be in continuing any further into unsolvable problems and enquiries seemingly without end, through Day 7…. and Day 8…. and Day 9…. and Day 10…..
…. and were I to do so, I would betray us all.
Day 7 awakens me…. awakens us, with each of you as an aspect of my consciousness…. to the observed discomfort of continuing. We have exhausted the familiar. We’ve been willing and still, have no solutions… no answers. Every enquiry leads only to another layer of enquiry, as evidenced by a constant stream of memories (the past), insights and observations (the now), and curiosities (the future). Words may not flow so easily from here. We are approaching the narrow point of the hourglass…. and could easily fall through to the next part of the vessel. Then what?????
I know that despite my decades of focused attention on my own evolution, I have been trained…. and my body knows well….. to go about my habits of environment and behaviour; of strategy; of Beliefs/Values/Attitudes. I have been trained to repeat, trusting that my joy will be found in perfecting that repetition….if I can only, flawlessly, get it right! I have been trained to invite others into my habits and find ways to insert myself into the habits of others. Familiar. Safe. I can see the edges, the boundaries, the horizons of my own potential… and I dare not go beyond. What if the earth is flat?
Those habits shape what time I get up; the sequence of events when I start my day, how I spend that day.
They shape – and put boundaries around – what I allow myself to say/do and what I embrace only as the conversation held tightly within myself.
But perhaps more than anything, they shape my conversations. What I talk about. With whom. How often and for how long, before I am dissuaded from pressing forward in a line of enquiry.
Conversations. They shape our reality. In my world, conversations ARE the birth canal for the passage of a new thought… a new idea… a new intention. Without conversations, all that I know is stillborn… never leaving this vessel, to find its own life in my world and unfurl into a living possibility!
Everything meaningful in our world revolves around conversations. And yet, we have found so many, many ways to ensure that the big ones – the scary ones that have impact – never leave the inner silence of our own self-denial.
Television. Turns us inside ourselves and locks us into the directed conversation of another.
Facebook. Twitter. We have allowed our conversations to be reduced to sound bytes….phrases….. and a stream of images that invite us to spit out an opinion when in truth, we have not lived any of it.
Every now and then, I stop… dive deeply into my Self….and vibrate with the discoveries that await. I am thrilled! I delight! I LIVE whole-heartedly and am filled with gratitude that I dared.
Within a few days (or hours or weeks, etc.), what I chose to live has become a story. A story that I tell, to remind myself of how magical it has been and that magic – even if now but a memory – also still exists. And I slide back into my habits… into the expectations and the familiar…. wondering when the next deep dive will present. And I wait for something/someone outside myself to provoke that dive, rather than simply claim my love of and commitment to diving as easily as I breathe.
I imagine a world where I live in the deep dive into mySelf. When I come up for air, I notice habits….. recognizing them as they present… and inhale deeply and dive again.
The dive IS the norm… it is the primary focus of my life…. and all else interconnects from that context for living. The dive IS my reason for being here.
The treasures will always be found at the bottom of the ocean, not floating along the surface.
That I am alive, in this reality in this body with this Self, IS the evidence that I have chosen to dive. It is when I forget and stop diving that I must turn to my stories to give my life meaning. Without the dive, there is nothing new to be found.
We have become creatures of the story. The story drives us and every now and then, we step out of the story and into discovery when in truth, I believe we are designed for/intended for the dive. We have become trapped in the cycle of our own betrayal as the ‘right’ thing to do.
I know there is something significant that awaits. And, I also believe that we are pulled to its discovery and terrified that it will be found. At some level, it is as if we already know: if we simply move forward… if we stay in the dive rathe than the story…. something will fall away and we will not be able to go back. Like the sand through the hourglass: once it falls through, all must be turned upside-down in order for the sand to ever return.
Turning our lives upside down. Our relationships. Our intentions. Our meanings and purposes.
Perhaps at some point, what we fear is that we will walk through the mirror and disappear from this world. And then what…..
It is difficult to put words to a new experience. When words come easily, we can be sure the we have been there before. The story, repeats.
However, when there are no words – and given the degree to which we rely on words to lead the way – we pull back from the edge; we hesitate and look over our shoulder as if to remind us that what we have is good! Do we want to risk losing it? Maybe we can dabble and that will be enough. It will take the edge off my hunger without my needing to do other than nibble.
I know there is something there. In some ways, I know it because I have been there. In other ways, I know it because my body pulls me toward it. And I have no knowledge of any of it in my intellect. Like a Quantum TLC™ experience, we have the evidence of discovering what we had no idea we knew. And yet, there it was all along – in the body, waiting for us to dive in. What else is waiting?
I will never know until I do…. and yet, I am unwilling to do until I know. Such is the lament that comes from our need for incremental change and safety.
And for me, this takes me back to the exploration of ‘death’ and what that is. I sometimes wonder if we have been conditioned into the notion of ‘death’ as something terrible to be feared so that we would have in place a mechanism to Self-police; to ensure that we do not ‘leave’ when we are still useful to some ’system’ or ‘intention’ that lives outside our awareness. Perhaps I need to return to the ‘death’ conversation…. and after all, that’s all it is: a conversation. Yet I learned long ago that a conversation is a powerful weapon to dismantle the status quo. With a conversation, we can be compelled into silence (threats); droned into a coma (television); provoked into awakening… or any other number of outcomes. And we all know: 10 seconds of authenticity can undo decades of cultural conditioning. Embracing he truth of an internal cue dismantles the illusion.
In this moment, on Day 7, for me the question becomes: What is the end game? The underlying presupposition in that line of enquiry is that there is some designed, cohesive framework in place that will allow for some pre-determined, desired/desirable outcome. Far better to hold that thought than to consider the alternative of random chaos. I can learn a game and its rules, and can become proficient at its execution. How can I become proficient at random chaos… in the ultimate game that has neither framework nor rules?
In a world of chaos, my intellect does not have the processing power to grok the complexity of constantly moving and interconnected parts. I know my body, does.
In our current reality, the one thing that every human being has is a body. That tells me how critical the body is, to the context within which we live. I know the life-altering power of that ripple through my body that takes me to another space/time layer. I know it has happened many times. I know that Quantum TLC™ is a gateway for that; that before that wave and after, my worlds are changed forever.
It has been the longest 5 days of my life!🙂 Great surges of insight! Deep undulations, reminiscent of those from so long ago. Churning and swirling and twisting….. constant movement of the Soul, as is to be expected when a Great Journey is undertaken. And in this moment, calm.
This is what it must be to enter into the eye of a hurricane. In this moment, a sense of stillness; a sense of relief from having made it to here. And an acute awareness that this too, will end and forward movement will resume. I will have to re-enter the churn. A moment to pause….to rest my fingers and Soul… and then, the choice to continue. I refuse to live my life going around in circles, even if that is in a vast and sheltered place where there are no disturbing winds. As has been said about ships: A ship is safest in the harbour – but that’s not what ships are designed and built for.
Where to begin….
Wide awake at 3:00 a.m. has become the marker for me of a rustling truth that will not be appeased: “Get up and get on with it!” In those moments, convention falls away and I follow the insistent prodding to act on impulse and not by the clock. Perhaps our deepest insights really do come at the darkest part of the night.
Two things have stood out for me, as these last few days have become the fuel for my own evolution.
First, the power of this process. I long ago lost count of the number of times I had the privilege of being part of a ‘Whispers from Within’ process. Before this experience, those were always private and always one-to-one. For whatever reason (perhaps The Call to my own evolution?), I decided to engage this process in a small collective of highly experienced (with this approach ) women; and then again, with a small group of women who included those who knew nothing of this approach. In both instances, the outcomes were compelling – for me and for them! This time, as a public offering, I am curious to discover where we will all end up. Given that the underpinning of this process is the recognition that every other who comes into my life is an expression of some aspect of my own consciousness, all of it is always all about me. Judgements of others are a waste of time, effort and Life-force.
Long ago, I believed mySelf to be a unique aspect of The Whole, expressing. I now know that I am The Whole, expressing uniquely. And so is each of you. Whether you are part of an email group with me or others; whether you are engaging one-to-one with me or any other; whether you are engaging in the privacy of your own mind or journal, at the level of the Whole, the expression of your Being is nonetheless relevant, present and potent. In that, we each matter – whether we see that, recognize that, claim that…or not. From the simple truth of your existence comes relevance. If you are here, you have impact.
Which leads me to my second thing…..
Like most others on this planet, I was taught that the I that I am stands separate from you. I live within the boundaries of my physical body. I am ‘in here’ and you are ‘out there’. I can claim my body and what lies within as ‘me’ and in so doing, relegate all else to the domain of ’not me’. I am not you. I am not that tree. I am not the ocean. Separation. Division. Exclusion. And now, I know none of that to be true.
My world…. my life… does not express as a binary system; does not express as the by-product of duality. I live along a continuum of expression. In truth, I AM that continuum, expressing.
In such a reality, the dualities of good/bad, right/wrong; the extremes of ‘in here’ and ‘out there’; the separation of matter/form from energy/intention cease to exist. Like my feet are connected to my head through the length of my body, so matter is connected to thought through the length of my perspective. Where I stand along the continuum of my existence (think 7 Logical Levels) will determine how and what I see/hear. Then, the further back I stand as I watch myself experience and express along the continuum (remember, I AM the Whole), the more expansive my capacity for choice. And in every breath, I choose.
I am not a unique aspect of the Whole, expressing. I AM the Whole, expressing uniquely.
I am not matter or energy; I am not form or intention, I am all of it. Where I stand along the continuum will determine how I choose to live.
My life is a metaphor, reflecting back to me the choices that I am making as a living godforce expressing in the realm of matter. Do I like what I’m creating? My physical reality – my body moving through a world of people, events and ’stuff’ – allows me to have tangible evidence of how and what my choices are creating. Whether I choose with mindful and conscious presence… or not!…,I have still chosen.
My body is a quantum biological device; a receiver/transmitter that allows the signal from Self to enter into and express in the domain of matter. What messages flow through me that are essential to the complete unfolding of my Being?
I know there is no waste in my precious and precise Universe. In that, purpose lies. What I hunger for is to find it.
From long ago, when first beginning these conversations in my little office on Metcalfe Street…. gathering a few friends for evening explorations, offered to them as an opportunity for them to discover quickly and inexpensively what it had taken me much to discern….. I always knew this was a pathway for me to find mySelf. That, has never changed. Every program; every coaching moment; every lunch conversation that turned into a four-hour, intense process of confrontation of Self…. not a single one was ever for or about anyone else. It has always been about me. My world. My search to find ways to face myself without running away. Creating an experience with another, as an aspect of my own consciousness, has never failed me. Bonus? Their lives changed, too. Essential to the creation of a new world is the willingness and ability of each individual to come to know themselves as Creator. In that, there is no room for the victim/perpetrator dance to find music.
I know that is powerful. What I also know is that without the inner enquiry; without that gnawing hunger rising up from the inner cues to be fed, a tasty snack will suffice… and sleep will once again overtake what might have become a potent expression of Being. Over these last 30 years, I have often wondered: What is it that causes the hunger in so many, to be so small? And in truth, in the great expansion of my own expression, does it really matter?
It does not matter to me, as an individual. I will always find a way to feed my hunger. (LOL… witness THIS conversation!) And I know I will always find others who seek to feed theirs and will allow me to join them… and it is still not enough. In a world that will shape the offspring of my offspring, it is not enough. So now, at this place in my life, perhaps my next enquiry becomes: how to awaken the perpetual hunger that will seek its own gratification?
Complacency is the great enemy of a Soul seeking to discover itSelf. That ability to delay (I”ll think about that tomorrow – I’m just too busy today.); to obstruct (I’m deeply committed but first, I need to find time to buy a new journal); to obfuscate (Before I can attend to this gnawing in my Soul, I have to figure out what’s wrong with everyone else.). And so it goes – and the deep dive into my own agitation is soothed in some acceptable fashion. The problem is: there is always something else to do. Someplace else to be. Some other distraction to attend to. Our world is intentionally designed to ensure that we are constantly distracted and overridden by something outside of us. I believe it is so because the alternative is world-altering… and too dangerous to be awakened on a global scale.
I am not one whose primary aim is to bring comfort. In fact, discomfort is the great enemy of complacency! And for that creation, I am well-designed.
For now, that is my enquiry.
Thanks for listening.
Good morning, All!
Today, I feel the wrenching. And the truth is: sometimes, when something has been fixed for so long, the wrenching is required for it to be dislodged.
A very, very old wave activates as I notice an inner voice speaking to me, in the timbre and cadence of a much younger me, chastising that I have gone too far. That I have asked too many questions. That I have pressed and insisted when I should have looked the other way. I can see the faces of so many around me – my parents, my teachers, the other kids in the class – indicative of their irritation and annoyance. The unspoken accusation: “Why can’t you just leave it alone!?!?!?” What I could not know then is that underneath the accusation lay their own discomfort.
Even then, as a child as young as 4, I knew that the movement from status-quo to irritation meant that we were approaching a level of disturbance that would not only rock the boat, but could also sink it. In this moment, I feel that.
The first thought when I awakened at 3:30 was the movie ’The Matrix’. The red pill or the blue pill. You take the blue pill, and you wake up easing back into your day. Take the red pill and the plug on the illusion is pulled…. and we are propelled down an often treacherous new path. Through that movie, I vacillated from red to blue; often wondering if ’truth’ was the prize it was made out to be. As I watched one of the characters eat his steak and marvel at knowing it was nothing more than an accumulation of bits and bytes of information, and yet declaring that it sure tasted great! I could relate.
My life has been one of choosing to take the red pill. I have always preferred to know ’the truth’, than not. Over time, as I’ve become wiser in my longer-lived days, I am also mindful of the degree to which ’the truth’ is restless and can have many faces. What is true to one is deception to another. What is true today may not be so tomorrow. Truth, through the eye of the beholder, morphs. Truth can be ’spun’ and shaped to the essential of any given moment or intent. Truth has proven to be a platform for expediency rather than any absolute that stands alone. Truth, as strategy, has a habit of changing its mind.
And now, at this place in my life, I know truth as only one thing: that which moves inside me. As such, it does not always map to anything outside of me; nor is it always practical, applicable or functional. I do not hold my ’truth’ as the right one – just the one that is right for me. The one I trust. The one I am willing to act upon. And then, as I evolve, I own the right to change my mind.
In this moment, I find myself wondering: what is the truth that continues to provoke my own awakening? What is it that just won’t leave me alone? It is certainly NOT that I have some responsibility to anything outside myself; or that I am obliged in some way to engage. It is not that it carries any cause/effect outcome (i.e. if I do x then y will follow). It is simply this: I am not able to do/be otherwise. For me, I must come to welcome that as its own outcome.
I notice that I am drawn to engage with fewer and fewer. Again, not good/bad, right/wrong…just the way it is. I trust my inner truth – and it always takes the lead. The conversations that live inside me are not to be had with any and all. I respect that. I’m ok with that. And I would prefer to be silent than to talk about the weather.
Do I have hope that our world will recover from….will ever reclaim status quo from… the path we’re on? No, I don’t. And then I wonder: does it matter? Does my hoping fuel any particular outcome? I don’t think so. It’s that cause/effect thing, again; that possibility that my hope will somehow produce a strategy to apply a practical solution ‘out there’. Such is the seduction of language and the distraction of allowing ourselves to debate the deep meaning of nominaizations. In that, I can think of no more impractical way to spend my time or – worse! – the great power of my attention.
What does matter is that I not abandon mySelf… whatever state I might be in, in the moment. What matters is that I claim and own what lives in me and engage it. It will take the lead and from that, the moment will unfold. The momentary discomfort of a wave of inner discovery will pass and in its wake will emerge a wave of new possibility – one that simply could not have existed before the movement of that first wave. And such is the nature of our quantum biological Being. It is a dance and all we have to do is let the inner movement, lead.
I do know one other thing: I am tired. In my mind, I see an ocean. Likely, the Pacific – the Great Mother whose waters have shaped me. I know that at some time, I was a massive wave…. undulating from Her deepest parts…. making its way to the shore. At the deepest part of the ocean, the undulation… the wave… is massive and powerful and strong. As time and distance are travelled, that undulation changes shape and force…contoured by the Earth over which it rides. …until it makes its way up the sand in its finest, lightest form… and touches the world around it. Perhaps we are not intended to seek to hold to that deep undulation. Perhaps we are intended to break upon the shore, letting go of what we once were, and allow ourselves to be transformed.
I am no longer the force of that deep undulation. I now know myself more as a lightly falling rain. You will still get wet – but you will not drown. You can avoid it and not be swamped by it. When you seek shelter from it, it will not pursue you. And nonetheless, I know that even this lightly falling rain can, in its constant presence, erode the most stubborn of mounds. Falling rain knows no compromise.🙂
The other thing that I know for sure, is: I don’t know. I have not a single clue. Ah yes… I remember well that passion. And in this moment: I really don’t care. Not because I do not ‘love’ – but because I no longer believe that ‘loving’ makes a difference. To me, in the truth of my experience, the only thing that makes a difference is being awake! And for THAT, there is no easy path. In my many years of this life, few have welcomed the red pill.
I sometimes wonder: When do we ever know enough? In truth, we know (in the intellect) so little given the passage of time; hidden and known history; the immensity of the size of the world; the vast numbers of individual living beings who occupy this planet. If I believe that my choices can be supported/validated/rationalized by the facts of what I know, my life will be a shambles! I will never, EVER know enough; know it all; know the right things; know the truth of another. I can only know mySelf… and from that Self, my Life will unfold.
It matters little how well the intellect can understand and/or explain it all. The only thing that matters is that the body – the instrument designed for the projection of holographic reality – can remain stable in the presence of chaos. For THAT, we must be willing to be ourselves and tell the truth. Not the truth that others want us to carry; not the truth that will get me more Friends on Facebook or ‘likes’ on Twitter; not the one that will make another happy; not the one that will appease and ensure the absence of rage, shame, humiliation, disagreement, confusion, uncertainty, etc….. but the truth my body carries. Is there any greater act of intimacy than to reveal ‘out there’ what lives, uniquely and singularly, ‘in here’? It is the choice to be naked to all that is not me. And for that, in my world, the key is Quantum TLC™ – ensuring that my body is stable from that inner truth BEFORE I seek to make a new and different choice. To be stable within mySelf before I attempt to engage outside mySelf.
To tell my truth about me, changes the world. Not my truth about another or some concept or idea… but the simple moment of my truth about me, revealed first to myself; and then, to the world as evidenced through how I choose to live. Acting on that truth…choosing from that truth… will alter my ‘reality’.
It is so simple. I own it – or it owns me.
In that ownership, I choose the truth of my experience and engage. Nothing to destroy. Nothing to attack or defend. Just the stability of my being fully present in the moment; in the truth of my own experience; sharing my truth about myself and freeing myself from my supposed truth about any person, thing or event that is not me.
Life is a series of interconnected moments. Life can change, from one moment to the next. Moments. Being in the living ’now’ and allowing it to flood the quantum biological device that is my body…. that is the instrument of the projection of my chosen reality. To live in the presenting moment is an art form and one that we are not trained/entrained into. What we are taught is that value lies in the silencing and sacrificing of this moment to one that was or one that might be. In that, it is impossible to occupy the ’now’ – and yet, the point of power is always in the ’now’. The result is an individual and hence, collective powerlessness that paralyses us to remain in the status quo. In that, we become of little challenge to a world imposed from outside the truth of who we know ourselves to be.
The sun rose with a glorious pink/gold/silver/grey sky. I like my little perch on the world. I get both the rising and the setting sun. There is something important in that. Perhaps it is that I am so aware that it is not a single thing but a cycle. The recognition that the sun is not doing anything other than what it always does. It is my world that is turning.
I wake every day, in my little refuge on the 8th floor, and I am grateful.
I am grateful that I live where there is no war; where the climate is not focused (yet) on my destruction. Surrounded by the chosen few things that make me smile, I have left all else (big house, office, many rooms of ’stuff’, boxes in storage, etc) behind.
I am grateful for my sons and their choices of life-partners. Every day, there is a text or a phone call or an email that reminds me that I am loved and valued by those who emerged from my body. Not always perfect; not always good/nice… we are still deeply connected in some shared truth.
I am grateful that today, my Mom knows who I am. That is not always so. With each passing day, it becomes more confusing for her. And yet, her body remains strong and she is happy. What more could I ask for?
I am grateful for every funny image I see on Facebook! Grateful for the laughter that fills my every day. Grateful for glimpses of insight into the life of another that has led them back to themselves.
I am grateful to live a life surrounded by so many, many powerful women of courage and deep insight; women who own the truth of their experience – whatever it may be! – unapologetically and without reservation. I look around and I know: as I take that stand for mySelf, I never stand alone! I am in the good company of so many other women who stand with me, as they too, stand for themselves.
Today, in this writing process, is hump day! Day 5 completed will take us over the hump. I appreciate what it takes to be part of this and I am aware that there may well be no happy ending in sight. And yet, in truth, all that we are doing is having a conversation with ourselves, in the presence of each other. Is that not the magical simplicity of it all?
In this moment, I am done. I stand with ease in the swirl of the extremes; in the commingling presence of the outrage and the deep joy, as they occupy my inner truth as threads in the tapestry of my existence; not knowing anything other than the simple truth that Day 6 will present. It always does.
Thank you, all, for staying with this. Thank you for your inner truths, embraced. For your stamina and courage. For being willing to follow where your Self leads.
As I settle comfortably at the keyboard… first coffee of the day gratefully within easy reach… I am mindful of the sounds of a new day beginning, as they stream through the open window behind me. The light of dawn and dusk hold a special promise. Light softened yet still allowing for all to be seen, there is a peace as the harsh light of day relaxes into a more forgiving view of our world. Perhaps we might consider that as a possibility in our own thinking.
Day 4 and the stress fractures are beginning to show. The structures that hold our version of ‘reality’ in place rarely come down without a fight… and they rarely fall away in one clean cut. They begin to show wear and tear – the outcome of a scrutiny that will not abandon its curiosity and be shamed or threatened into simply going away. Separation comes as one layer differentiates from another, loosening the grip on the whole. We start to feel agitated and restless… and we stumble, looking for an exit or at least, something to hold on to.
And how could it be otherwise!?
Even after decades of engaging with others, I am always struck by the degree to which we are wired for sound bytes of an alternative…. tiny nibbles at the edges of our potential rather than the innate right to engulf Life and feast on new thought. Even as Day 4 dawns, we become aware that it is a challenge for us to spend so much time and effort focused on our inner world, while embracing the worlds of others; seeking to find our ability to trust that even when our reality begins to falter, we know there will be more.
How easily we tire…. finding ourselves longing for the executive summary rather than investing ourselves in the depth that detail brings and demands.
We notice how much time it takes out of our day to pay attention to ourselves… inner turmoil ramping up from our having been taught to consider this endeavour as frivolous… as time wasted or unproductive given that its only outcome is our own evolution.
How easily we become overwhelmed by the spectre of yet ‘more’ looming on the horizon (i.e.more days, more thoughts, more posts, more responses, more challenges, more possibilities, more truths, etc.), feeling the pressure to race to the finish line and discover the ‘right’ way… the answer…. simply to bring closure and make it stop. The inner uncertainty is less bearable and less acceptable than a more defined path that will lead us to our own inevitable destruction.
In our early family systems, we have learned well. Look away when it does not meet the social norms. Pretend that it’s not so when indeed, the mounting evidence struggles to be ignored. Deceive ourselves so that we may better deceive each other. Given that we, each and every one of us, are exposed to this process in some way (i.e. home, school, church, etc), it makes perfect sense that the larger collective of our global society would be drawn to do the same. And so, here we sit: 2016 and a collapsing biosphere.
It seems like I’ve been in this exploration forever……
Each of you, as an expression of some aspect of my own consciousness, is calling up within me a different facet of this prism of exploration. I read and re-read your thoughts many times, allowing what moves to stabilize before I move on. I am choosing to be in this process with a relaxed rigour: rigorous in my commitment to discover and relaxed in knowing that whatever it is will be perfect. For me, the key has always been to relax into the agitation rather than find ways to flatten or avoid it. Perhaps it is the magic of that, that has helped me to be so welcoming of the provocations.
For me, that I am both willing and able to simply BE…. and trust that… is my personal version of ‘doing’. In my decades of working with others, I’ve come to recognize the difference between someone ‘doing’ because it is meaningful and their ‘doing’ to avoid the much deeper (and more disturbing) level of meaningful, in their lives. In a culture that presses for outcomes, the results of ‘being’ are not always evident to an outside audience.
From another, the reminder call: ‘You cannot have the children!”… and how so few are able to be awake to that. Slumbering/comatose adults/parents are helpless to declare such an intention. They, themselves, are still captive. I have long held – and spoken to any and all who could hear – that the parenting process IS the primary delivery mechanism for ensuring that the next generation is inculcated with the inability to act from internal reference but rather, are held hostage to any and all perceived as an external authority. Deeply, deeply disturbing in the recognition that unless and until the current generation of adults free themselves, there is little to no hope. As the Jesuits say: give me a child until they’re 7 and they will be mine for the rest of their lives.
Families. Siblings. Partners/mates/spouses. Children. Colleagues. “Bosses”. Friends. Lovers. Etc. Etc. Etc. My freedom does not lie in being released by them but in my releasing of them; for them to live as they choose, unencumbered by my efforts to change them, fix them, appease them, punish them, etc. When I set them free to live as they see fit, I discover that I am free to do the same. If my freedom is bound by their willingness to let me go…. to approve of me, understand me, validate me, hear me, agree with me, value me/my world view, etc… I will die a slave to their expectations. Even my death is in the good fight against them! Regardless, I am still bound with them, in their world.
So many times, in my years of working with others through their greatest challenges, they discovered that it was they who were holding on to another; holding on to a memory, of a time long gone; of a possibility, long lost. It is difficult to escape the prison of our own mind. In that, the thought must change before anything that might follow, can change.
My first thought this morning was of a bee hive. Born into a hive; with a droning set of expectations that will ensure that I am forever in service to the hive. I sometimes wonder: what happens to a stray bee? Would they know how to survive without the hive, given that they are trained to believe their very existence is FOR the wellbeing of the hive? The problem with that is that tomorrow can only look like yesterday.
In our world, that is no longer viable.
Can we live meaningfully and vibrantly without belonging to a collective? Can we stand alone, knowing that we can weave into and out of any collective we choose, without being taken hostage by it… being owned by it…. and still be well? Is the collective of ‘humanity’/human race just such a hive?
I long for that spark. A Spark sufficient to fracture the thick shell of cultural conditioning and cause us to emerge – with the parenting process as the delivery mechanism; reinforced by all existing institutional processes, in its support – and pulsate through the collective mind as that ripple through space/time that, in an instant, transforms us all.
What is the required process; the appropriate ceremony? Not like a magical ‘doing to another’ but a ceremony that is The Call to the awakening of that Spark; one that is irresistible to those who hear it; and loud enough… present enough…prevalent enough to be heard by the masses.
I don’t know what that is – and its emergence… its creation…. its existence… haunts me. Its imperative will not leave me alone!
This Ceremony of Sparking…. of penetrating and igniting…. must occur on a scale that allows for far more than a few who know deeply. And as Margaret Mead (yet another woman) has said: ” Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
I read those words and I wonder: Is this small group of thoughtful, committed readers/responders/engagers sufficient to be that spark that can change the world? I believe it can.
In this moment, I pause….
Yesterday, I shared this thought with one who is engaging in this process and feeling the agitation:
“To choose a different path, we must first take full ownership of the one we’re on. Perhaps not of its creation, in full… and for sure, fully for the fact that we’re still on it!
In the many, many years that I have engaged with others (particularly women), I am mindful that without breaking up the concrete, no number of…. volume of… amount of… seeding will ever take root. It is not enough to have great ideas and dynamic vision. First, we must be able to stand our ground in the face of the myriad invitations that will pull us to our knees. For that, we must first have freed ourselves.
There is no short cut. I started this journey when I was 18. I just turned 66. And I’m still in that conversation. I’m wiser… more grounded… and much better able to stand my ground, to know that I can and will and must hold two opposing notions at the same time.
The notion that I am a powerful Force of Creation, carving out my own life.
The notion that I am alive in a place and at a time that relentlessly clamours for my surrender and the collapse my own intention.
They constantly co-exist… and I get to choose, from one breath to the next, which I will claim as my own.
Choice. We must choose. We must make a mindful and present choice. The invitation in this process (on Day 4 of a 10-day Great Adventure!) is to explore from within our unique Self: “How else might I choose to live MY life, today! ”
And then, engage!”
With deepest gratitude, appreciation and RIG for you all!
Good morning, All!
The dawning of Day 3 and already, it feels as if we have been here for weeks!
Clearly, I am in the right place, at the right time and with the right people. With every thought you share, my own expand.
The awakening of internal cues is palpable. As I read, I am aware of the great courage that it takes to dive so quickly into the deep end of the pool of our own uncertainties; particularly when in the (good) company of those so new to us. And yet, here we are! Discovering that it is not about holding our breath but discovering that we can breathe under water.
Even in the trepidation, we move forward. Not with bravado or an artificial smile, but with a recognition that the heartbeat of our authentic Being requires that it be so. We engage…. we pause and take a breath, owning every cellular vibration…. and when the body settles once again, we continue.
For me, the poking and prodding is easy. There is no struggle. I know of no other way to live. I know of many other ways to exist; to comply; to go-along-to-get-along…. and I know of no other way to LIVE. For me, it IS the provocation that exposes the sharp edge for the next leap. Without it, I would simply spend my time lost in the comfort of the wide part of the blade; never knowing that I was meant to carve out MY reality rather than play out that of another… like an actor with a script.
It was a restless night. Your collective thoughts kept wandering into my awareness, like smoke, making it impossible for me to put them aside and continue on my existing path. For me, the great provocation was/is: will we (as a people) ever learn to trust the truth of our own experience?
In a world shaped through the parenting process (and indeed, none of us is spared, regardless of where and when we live!), are we doomed to live in constant and perpetual doubt of the truth of our own experience when some other voice tells us that it is not so?
Are we destined, forever, to succumb to our fear and fall easily back into line; into the lock-step pace of our collective march into continuing deconstruction of what holds meaning for us?
Will we ever be free of our search for doing the right thing rather than embracing that which is right for the I/me/I AM that each of us is?
We are trained into believing that walking the path of engaging what is right for each individual Self will ultimately bring chaos to the larger whole. And yet, as I look around my world, that is not what I see. In truth, I see the opposite.
I am reminded of that thought often shared in the 5-day intensive experiences: I consider myself a mature, responsible adult until I go home to visit my mother and discover that as I cross the threshold into her home… in a nanosecond! – I am once again, 8! How does that happen????? Oh, how easily we succumb to what we perceive as ‘authority’, regardless of its evident effect in and on our lives!
I can’t begin to tell you how many I have worked with who live a secret, unexpressed interior reality; never daring to allow that which they say to themselves, to be heard by any other. As much as we may be trained… designed… entrained!… to live that way, it is not our essential Nature. To live a life of competing and conflicting conversations with ourselves is a recipe for dis-ease of body and mind.
We are compelled from The Deep, within, to seek alignment in our Being. When we seek to deny that to ourselves, the internal cues only increase in intensity, density, volume and the insatiable demand to be honoured. In some bizarre way, the global expressions of violence and brutality are some form of its expression. Distorted : yes. Insufficient: yes. Repulsive: yes. And yet, can not and will not be explained away through reason and logic…. since there can be none!
Like the constant disintegration of our biosphere – which is, increasingly, so profoundly deadly to all living expressions on the surface of the planet – it is nonetheless an act of Self-preservation on the part of Gaia. I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to be enthusiastic about it. And I do have to honour the depth to which alignment is unfolding. It can come as no surprise to any of us that finally… as a last-gasp effort to get our attention… the very bubble that makes our existence possible is now at risk. Perhaps now, we will pay attention to ourselves? Perhaps now, we will notice that in having numbed ourselves to our internal cues, we must wake up or die? Finally! A presenting layer that we cannot ignore.
To me, it is impossible for us to know anything else unless and until I am willing to know… and constantly embrace… that which is presenting from The Deep, within myself. Perhaps that simple truth makes it possible for me to recognize that in the owning of it all, a new potential can and will unfold. To deny any of it; to deny to ourselves the truth of our own experience, will only perpetuate a lie. If I am not telling myself the truth, then I am telling myself an untruth – whether I say it out loud or only to myself. Either way, a lie becomes the foundation for the shaping of my tomorrows.
From a client: “Perspective, indeed. Until I open my mouth to share mine, I limit another’s capacity for expansion of theirs… and I do not need to ever know the finer distinctions of their’s… I only ever need to honour and voice the finer distinctions of mine.”
Long ago, I remember reading a book (Joseph Chilton Pearce : Evolution’s End… but one of so many marvellous books by him!) about escalating fields. Like a mother/child: the child cries, the mother responds, the child engages, the mother engages…. and on and on it goes. In these words, I see the power of escalating fields. In these exchanges, each with the other, I also see escalating fields. As one gives herself permission to be open, clear, honest and direct, others are invited to find that permission within themselves. Escalating fields. Nothing to do but dare to BE the open, clear, honest and direct presence, in meaning.
And sometimes, in so doing/Being, it feels as if our known ‘reality’ begins to unravel. That unraveling, I know well. Can I trust the unraveling, with having nothing to do? Can I trust that whatever its consequences, the genius will lead? I seem to be able to trust that for myself. I seem to be able to invite and allow it all, as it pertains to me. I seem far less willing/able to do so, for my sons. They did not create this reality and yet, they are left to carve their way through it. And I grieve what may well be their not-so-distant future. Their world can only become a greater and greater challenge to their willingness and ability to unfold within it.
I am angry about that… and unwilling to go quietly into the night in the long-entrained silence that I have been taught is my birthright! My body is relentless in declaring to me: “There is another way, if you choose it!”
What comes to mind is the experience of being in a dream, knowing the need to wake up and yet, unable to shake the dream. In that instant, I know the dream; I recognize myself in the dream; I know that the dream may have claimed me AND does not own me; and I know that I am the Dreamer. Beyond that, I am that which creates Dreaming as a possibility. And through it all, it is never any more than a sliver of creation. As that Creator, I find myself wondering: am I ‘response-able’ for my dreaming creations? What dreams might my sons be dreaming, of which I am both Creator and a captive part?
A voice from within encourages: Do nothing until the call presents. I know that voice well. I know its message intimately. Waiting. Letting go. Doing nothing. The pressure that comes with choosing to simply ‘be’ is enormous, in a world voracious for us all to ‘do’. When we stay busy, we are distracted from the force of our own, intimate thoughts. Sometimes, the waiting is pregnant with a great trust of what will be birthed. Other times, it feels so more much more like languishing. I looked up the word ‘languishing’ and found:
(of a person or other living thing) lose or lack vitality; grow weak or feeble.
“plants may appear to be languishing simply because they are dormant”
synonyms: weaken, deteriorate, decline;
I was struck by the reference to ‘plants may appear to be languishing simply because they are dormant’. Interesting notion that had not crossed my mind.
Waiting. Dormant. Mindfully dormant (as I’m sure plants are….)
Waiting is a challenge for me, right now. For more than 20 years, I have been exploring so many other strings of possibility of our world/species. The transhumanism movement, with its invasive strategies of entrainment, mind control; its capacity to insert nanotechnology that responds to external cues (like birth control mechanisms that are controlled by an outside source to activate/deactivate the capacity to be impregnated); morgellans as evidence of living, intelligent fibres that circulate in the human body, waiting…… Vaccinations as a delivery mechanism for nanotechnology.
The great activity that goes on over our heads, as we rarely think to look up (and to look up Logical Levels) to wonder….. This includes chem trail particulate, as its curtain of white spreads and descends to the Earth. Particulate that we inhale. Particulate that settles into the soil in which our food grows… and often, can no longer grow. Particulate that contains aluminium and lithium Particulate that kills organic matter.
Exopolitics. The worlds beyond our planet. Other life on other planets. Interstellar beings/travel. Dimensions. (Here is a link to a recent speech by the president of the EU. Some think he made an error…. ) Military bases on the moon and Mars. Things hidden. Secrets.
Underground and interconnected military bases, all around the world. Underground cities, all around the world. Those discovered from ancient times; and those having been built in the last 50 years; as well as those currently under construction. Breakaway civilization. More things hidden. More secrets.
The lies of our educations, evidenced by unearthed and ancient genius in monuments that have stood through and beyond catastrophes of this Earth; by the existence of the Nazi international and its infiltration of the banking system around the world.
The betrayals of our so-called religious structures. (If organized religion is not entrainment, I don’t know what is!) Greed. Abuse. The consumption of the Innocence of our children. The destruction of souls.
Secrets and lies, forming the greater context within which our visible world unfolds.
For generations, we have been taught to simply relax into our own enslavement; to trust that it is all in our own best interest; to surrender our pressing and disturbing inner truth to an outer one designed by another, entrained to believe that it is our perception that is in error and not the truth of our existence. What we have been taught by the generations before us we now, without much consideration, teach the generation that follows. And it goes on and on and on and on…..
As in Logical Levels, where every level is contained in the level above it (i.e. higher order context from which process/strategy and behaviour present), so these other processes exist, within which our world unfolds. These may put us on a path that I choose not to follow and, I know without a doubt, these will not entrain Gaia. For that, there is no greater force.
And so, I wait. Perhaps my current challenge is to consider that waiting need not require that I be dormant. Perhaps this waiting IS that next pulse or ripple through space/time. Removing myself from the game of ‘doing’. Allowing simply to BE, shared. Like this very experience. No specific anything, but shared nonetheless. Will it matter? In this moment, I know it matters greatly to me…..to have the freedom to fully express, knowing that I am with those who can see and hear me, themselves and each other…. and who know.
In the waiting moments, I wonder: perhaps peace and joy are to be found not in the notes of music but in the spaces between the notes. Perhaps peace and joy will be found in my willingness to simply stay in the present moment and fully embrace what presents…. seeking not to understand but simply to surrender to that moment…. trusting that there will be a next. In my surrender, I am left without the essential bind to all that has come before and all that might come after. The moment. It is unfortunate we have never been conditioned to receive the power and the grace of that moment, nor to trust that its genius IS what leads the way.
Perhaps that is what I will know in my next breath. Not a day goes by that I am not fully present to and conscious of my deep gratitude for my Life. Every day, I get to wake up and move into a world of abundance, at all levels. Not even off at a great distance do I hear the rolling thunder of deadly arsenals of destruction. I am not concerned that today, when I make my way to the grocery store, the shelves will be bare. Not once do I fear that water will not flow when I turn on the tap… or that I will have to run for my life when the ground trembles with the approach of some unknown yet uniformed menace. And at least for now, I do not quake in terror at the possibility that my precious sons will be called to offer up their lives in exchange for needing to be ‘right’ about how the world should be. After close to 30 years of engaging with those who did not know, now, mine is to engage with those who do. Those who intuitively know without hesitation and without the need for evidence. Those whose knowing lives at depths untouched by their history and as yet, unrevealed into the process of creating their futures. What further might come of that?
Thank you all for choosing to Be, here. I am grateful.
An earlier start to my day, today, as I am off to Carleton U for a lecture series on astronomy. Yup, not much to do with anything I usually do, and I’m loving it!
What great joy to read your insights about yourself, revealed and shared! I have long known – for myself and in my life – that in the choice between willing and able, willing is the far more potent force. With willingness comes the ability to learn and discover. Without it, there is no level of ability that transforms…us or our world. Clearly, in this potent collective of engaging godforces, willingness runs deep.
Thank you all, for being on this journey with me. Whatever path you are choosing to walk – be it part of an email group, the privacy of your journal or the Comments section, below – it is evident to me that the collective mind that we are, knows something. It is evident to me that we are willing to know what we know, in the face of the absence of any evidence for ‘it’ to be known or ‘real’. I am reminded of a summer storm. The sun is still out… but the wind changes. It ‘feels’ different; smells different; blows differently; and its subtle (for some) effects are pulling at our awareness to inform. Can we trust that, even if the local meteorologist is saying clear skies?
My mind persists…..
Knowing what is not to be explained. Like standing in an interrogation room with a two-way mirror. On one side, all that exists is the room. On the other side, life is unfolding with much greater complexity and potential. Which side of that mirror do I want to be on? And what lies beyond the other side of the other side?
I recently came across a TedTalk (you’ll find it here, if you’re interested) that drew my attention because it spoke of “…”Perception and creativity are very intimately connected.”
Although the context for this talk had to do with brain function and technology/machines, it struck me that there was a gaping hole in that statement which helped me to make sense of the growing apprehension of AI. And that is: judgement. Between perception and our response to what we perceive, lies judgement (Beliefs/Values/Attitudes). That judgement then leads to the direction our creativity can/will take.
When I know something that I cannot explain or rationalize – something that exists outside the collective agreement of its existence – I am perceiving something that is discernible to me and yet, non-existent for others. That does not mean I am not perceiving; nor that what I perceive is not there.
Before I can act on what I am perceiving, I find myself stuck in the sticky mess of my own internal cues ABOUT my internal cues: stuck in the quagmire of my judgements about my own perceptions; as well as stuck in the judgement of my expectations around my perceptions that demand I be able to ‘create’ (i.e. do something; make a choice; take an action; etc) so that my perceptions might be turned into some practical realization to be applied to the quality of my life. (After all, we have never been taught/learned that perception, itself, has great value without the need to convert it to something that will be meaningful for, valued by and approved of by others. And yet, I (personally) find great joy and expansion in awakening to a new perception and allowing it to carve out its own course.)
In truth, I am not there… yet.
For now, I am choosing to be still….to stand motionless in my perceptions, that are revealing to me my judgements about my permission to perceive. That, in itself, is a powerful discovery!
That I perceive, is a given. We all do. The challenge becomes : can I perceive – and hold valid, relevant, meaningful, reliable – that which others do not?
What I perceive is a world heading to the brink. Not to the brink of its own existence – but to the brink of life as I have known it. I perceive a world reeling in the face of forces in the shadows… and by ‘forces’ I mean actions taken beyond the conscious awareness of those being acted upon. I perceive an acceleration of the consequences of these forces and the mindlessness they continue to compel from the vast majority. Why? Helplessness is likely a big one. And hopelessness, likely a bigger one. Long ago, having worked for years with others, I became painfully aware that helplessness combined with hopelessness leads to despair. The world, in many ways, is despairing.
In this instant, my judgement of my perception pops up, chastising me with notions of: think positively! Do something and take meaningful action to…to… to what??? Stop it? Change it? Slow it down? In truth, there is no ‘it’ to act upon. Perhaps in this case, the demon is perception, itself.
Perhaps this is where the notion of ‘death’ comes in. I see ‘death’ (mine, the world-as-we-know-it’s, etc) as pushing the reset button. And if that were to occur, then what? My belief? Given the state of our own individual and collective consciousness at the moment of the reset, we would simply return to that same level of ‘performance’ of evolution of consciousness.
My judgement tells me: not useful. At least, not for me. I’m not doing this again – and I know I’ve done this many times.
With perception and judgement having had their say, creation presents.
Create what? I have, for decades, created conversations and the space within which they could/would unfold. Conversations and explorations to shift perception, bring judgements to the surface, with the hope/intention of new creations. In this moment, I no longer trust that at this point (in my expression) there is value in continuing to engage that, for myself. As a result, I am taking steps to ensure that much of what I continue to hold as meaningful and important, etc. will be archived and accessible for any and all who chose to access it. And then, I’m done with that conversation.
(Sidebar: I take great comfort in knowing that I have come to this place of knowing, hearing and witnessing the life-changing Voices of those many women in my life who dare the deep dive into their individual and collective Self! I can’t think of a more glorious way to live!)
Creation demands something new and different from and of me. I either hear and embrace that call or I leave (i.e. ‘death’). And so, I am listening intently as I also put my life in order.
I continue to have the great desire to create. What I have is no clarity on what that creation might be. The conversations that hold interest for me (transhumanism, climate (emergency) change, nanotechnology, etc) are still on the periphery for so many. Witness this very experience: of all the women I know, there are so few who will choose to engage. Why? Because it is a challenge – and a frightening one – to know that you know what you know whether you can explain that, or not. And THAT is nonetheless, what leads you.
I stand at a place where I wonder: is that next expression of creation one to unfold within this reality? Or is that next creation one to awaken a whole and different reality? From which side of the mirror will my creation unfold?
Long ago, something within me was awakened as I waited for the shuttle to take me into Kona. A wave moved through me… and I was changed. It is not my mind that led the change – it was the wave. Like a pulse of ’something’ rippling through the very space/time fabric of my reality…. like a ripple of Intelligence through the galactic plane… and in a breath, I knew I was on the other side of the mirror. My life continued from there to here. And in this now, I wish for…and long for… that next wave.
In a world shaped through collective consciousness (and I do believe that this ‘reality’… this planet/world… is one that is shaped through collective consciousness), I am not hopeful. In this moment, the mass collective consciousness is one of fear, helplessness, rage, despair, hopelessness, poverty, betrayal, violence, war, greed, etc. etc. etc.). There are those for whom that is not their truth. I find myself wondering: is there enough ‘juice’ for the first to be reshaped by the second? I no longer know.
In this moment, I am in a ‘death watch’ with my mother. I know that she and I have danced for millennia in this exchange of mother/daughter – taking turns with every manifestation. As her mind continues to swirl in her slow-motion dance of disintegration, she defies the odds by overcoming any and all challenges of the body; rising to heal herself with ease from the moments of physical challenge. Remarkable to witness, actually, as her immune system response presents as the 21-year-old she holds herself to be. I know that as I wait for her moment to choose to go, her perceived ‘ending’ will trigger some new beginning for me. She has access to information re that timing, that I do not. And it will come when it comes. When she goes, I will go back to Kona. I have always known that my return trip would require that I be prepared not to leave there. And in that, I am at peace.
And so, perception, judgement, creation. As one who has long been propelled to create, it is a challenge for me to simply sit in the perception….judgement free. It is what it is. When I am moved to write, I write. When I am moved to silence, I am still. When I am moved to connect, I reach out. I do nothing unless propelled from the inside, out. And I wait…
I have moments of deep, deep grief. They are often triggered by the sense of my mother’s departure… and I know that the depth and intensity of the grief are not just for my mother but are for our collective Mother. In some ways, Gaia is leaving us to live out our own creations; no longer buffering our effect on ourselves; no longer robbing Peter to pay Paul for our recklessness with the very sphere that allows us to exist. Gaia will be fine. All that lives on this planet, will not.
Some have written about Earth as a ‘prison’ planet; that this is a place where the souls that present are in some kind of quarantine. As much as this planet could be a Paradise, our collective consciousness can make it a living hell. Perhaps it is that we are here to learn how to free ourselves from the prison of our own, individual mind that our collective mind might be freed. Perhaps we are asleep; asleep to the power of our own conscious creation. And until we wake up – each of us and all of us, at once – it will continue.
I know that I chose to come here…. to this place and time… to provoke. I am not here to soothe and comfort. I am here to poke and prod. To compel and propel. To irritate and agitate. To recognize that without the mixing, the ingredients will never come together to form the cake. I know (with or without evidence) that it is required for the collective mind to heed the call to a new and different path for creation. For so long, I trusted that there would be enough…. enough…of everything! Enough time. Enough opportunity. Enough information. Enough interest. Enough willingness. Enough determination. Enough vision. Enough courage. And in this moment, I am no longer sure of any of that. Perhaps, in that, lives my own despair.
For this moment, I am done.
I begin with much appreciation for your enthusiastic willingness to be part of this journey with me. Many of you already know that those who step into our worlds are, in some way, a living expression of an as-yet unrecognized aspect of our own consciousness. I enter this journey with all of you with the recognition that what calls to me requires… and demands!…. that I engage a much bigger game, in some way. Your willingness and ability to trust that… without rules or frameworks or guideposts… that which moves inside you, will be your guide. As I share my thoughts with you, I ask that you share that which awakens within you, about you, as you allow those thoughts to enter your unique consciousness. From there, we will simply dance together for the coming 10 days! I just felt my little heart skip a beat…..
When I sold my house in June 2015, I mindfully chose to create the Space for my Self to unfurl and reveal its wanderings for the time to come. In that, I put aside to the end of 2016 to pay particular attention to what it would mean for me to ‘retire’ or ’semi-retire’; mindful that what has shaped my life for so long, no longer calls to my Soul. That moment; that nano-second of awareness has propelled me into a place of having not a clue. And in that, I know that I am exactly where I need to be.
I have lived the last 30 years of my life in the great trust that human beings could and would. I have chosen to trust that the higher-order intelligence that lives within us all, would awaken and take us into a world where giving and sourcing Life would be more appealing than taking it away. I trusted that if we had the invitation; if we were given the Space within which to unfold; if we had access to a reliable, specific process rather than just the hope or possibility, that we would engage it…. and move beyond the veil that separates us from our own godforce Creator truth. In this moment, after those 30 years, I cannot say that trust remains strong. As much as I continue to trust – without hesitation – that the process will take us where we need to go, I no longer trust that the Call from within can be heard by the masses. In a world shaped through collective consciousness, that leaves me troubled.
One thing that I learned long ago, is: all meaning is context dependent. Not some meaning, all of the time; or all meaning, some of the time. ALL meaning ALL of the time is context dependent. Context. The Great Crucible within which the processes of our presenting behaviours and outcomes, are held. The greater the context… the greater the Space… the more and varied ’knowing’ we are able to embrace as we consider it ALL the creation of our own mindful or hidden (even from ourselves) intent; and together, the creation of our shared realities. Sadly, so few have any thoughts about context.
Too often, invitations to know ‘context’ are so quickly dragged to the content level. And in that, Space is lost. As an example, consider all that we have come to know about so many threads in the tapestries of our lives (to name but a few):
3D printing body parts
Mind control technologies
For many, when confronted with such thoughts, they see content. When I look at all of those, I see the threads that weave a larger context. Clearly, Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.
We can long for Kansas. We can wait for it and hope for it’s return. We can reminisce. We can pretend that we never left Kansas. And yet, when we stop…. take a breath… and look around, the truth keeps smacking us in the face.
It hurts to think that we live in such a world. That we have created such a world. That we are capable of such creations! And yet, try as we might to look the other way and seek to redeem ourselves in the measures of our perceived greatness (advances in technology, space exploration, medical marvels, etc.), turning away changes nothing. The inevitability of a biosphere in massive and intensifying flux will have its day… and its way.
To me, such a recognition is not a ‘doom and gloom’ scenario. Its reclamation and ownership opens a gateway to a very different possibility. Denial of it all however, changes nothing… and keeps us on a path to our own untimely demise.
Can you tell that I do not carry great hope for this reality? Fortunately, I live in a world of multiple realities. The question becomes: which creation will I choose for mySelf? And in having so chosen, how will I live?
One reality – the so-called ‘visible’ one – tells us that with age comes wisdom. With the passage of time comes the opportunity to learn and to experience… and from that combination comes wisdom and (presumably) a greater context from which to experience our reality. In that formula, inner truth is tied to external engagements. I do not believe any of that to be necessary. I often wonder: even though this body has only known 66 years of experience, am I thus doomed to only 66 years of wisdom? Can I not allow mySelf to know deeply and directly, and bypass the requirement for the passage of time? It would mean that I would have to allow mySELF to ‘know’ things without the benefit of any rational explanation for their being known. And indeed, I know things.
I see things and always have. Not like the tidy and sequential images on a movie screen but more like pieces of projections on a veil, blowing in the wind. When I ’see’ those things, I know all that is connected to it and it shapes how I engage my world and all that moves through it.
I know things about what we call ‘history’ and about what we call ’the future’. For me, they all live in the ’now’. Knowing so fully that I am not my device; knowing that the I AM that I am is the Void and that its intelligence streams through so many spirals of the GCT (Great Cosmic Tit), I ‘know’ the truth… the inner truth… of so many ‘realities’. What I have come to trust for mySelf is that none of them matter. What does matter is my willingness to allow myself to be informed by my Self, and simply know them all. The rest just makes the telling of the story more interesting.
Imagine a world that lets go of its need to look back…. to capture the past in order to design a future….. and choose instead, to stand in the ’now’ and trust an inner truth that lives in all of us. Never mind what has been. Constantly seeking it and referring to it has led us to repeat it, with minor alterations. What our world demands of us goes far beyond increments of insight and is starved for leaps of great intent! Perhaps if we let go of our need to know what was, we can clear a much larger Space for what can become.
For a long time…. for close to 30 years…. I have found great personal discovery and joy and delight in sharing what I have discovered with others; in the hope that they would discover more of their Self, for themselves. That great trust made it possible for me to engage…. over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, etc….. with so many, trusting that it would make a difference. Through that time, so many of those with whom I engaged had lived lives of horrific violence and cruelty, of betrayal from those expected to protect, of hopelessness and despair. Of those vast numbers, patterns were impossible to avoid. And of those, many reclaimed their lives. For that, I am grateful to their vision, courage and determination. And yet, still, so many did so only at the Environment/Behaviour level, leaving untouched the larger context within which they held ‘realty’. And so, with the passage of time (there it is again), their lives dwindled into some version of what they had once been. The search for the ‘magic bullet’ continued, unabated by any recognition of a higher-order exploration The fall back to the ‘real’ world would then reclaim its next victim.
For more than 30 years, I have tracked the other-than-‘real’-world. The world of the weird and wonderful. The world of a context for Being that makes room for us to be FUCKING MAGNIFICENT!!! The world that calls the lies and betrayals of our innate genius, exactly what they are. During that time, I have been with/listened to/watched so many as they twisted in the winds of their own external referencing, waiting for some ‘authority figure’ to give them permission to trust the truth of their inner knowing. So fascinating to me the degree to which language and its flow from the mouth of one perceived to be ‘in authority’… in the ‘official know’…. can slice through the core of our own potential and propel us to betray ourSelves. Over and over and over and over and over etc. again. Betrayed. By ourselves. Eyes and ears slammed shut to our own inner truth. Leaving us twisting once again, in the winds from the fowl breath of some purported authority figure. Perhaps, one day, we will find a way to trust ourselves.
Last night, I shared the following in an exchange with a friend:
“It is as if I am standing in front of a mirror; knowing that an entire world lives behind it’s reflected image. To touch it (that world), I need to learn how to NOT be so mesmerized by my reflection…. that I might see through. “
Seeing through what is. Seeing beyond the veil of the illusion of what is. What I know for myself, from mySelf, is that it is all its own movie… and I can either be mesmerized by watching it or I can create anew.
Where does this all take me?
As I look back, I know the requirements of a physical ‘reality’ of which I have long been a part.
* Grow up; get an education; get a job; find a mate; bear children; teach those children to grow up, get an education, get a job, find a mate, bear children…. and repeat.
* Consume! Buy stuff. Get stuff. And when required, get debt so we can buy more stuff and get more stuff…..
* Slave away! To pay for the debt that is required to get the stuff, we will need to ‘earn’ to free ourselves of the debt.
* Cycle and repeat.
In my own words, I see the embedded process for slavery of a kind that I may not easily notice.
Were I to peel away that layer of ‘reality’, what would I find? There was once a time when what awaited me would be half a year in Kona… the place of my creation and sustaining. In the other months, I would travel and know the great feast of the worlds of others.
I would know my sons and their creations. They fill every day of my existence with humour; sharing their worlds with me in a way that always makes room for me. I am blessed.
And today, what I am mindful of is that the greatest context of all – that of Gaia and the biosphere which supports our very existence in this physical reality – is in massive, rapid and sustained chaotic expression. Not chaotic for Her.. but very much so, for us. In my decades of following these changes, there are now far more who hold that there is no turning back; and there is nothing we can do to mitigate any of it. In fact, that is not true for some… and it will be true for the masses.
As an unfolding context; as a context that is revealing itself through many and varied changed perspectives, what does all this mean? What lives on the other side of the mirror, as I see past the reflection of what is? How does that translate to a life lived, from one day to the next?
At the last CMC Certification Intensive in May, we explored ‘death’ and what it meant as a nominalization. Death as an opening instead of a closing. Death as the start of a new possibility rather than the end of an existing one. I consider death as a Great Call to more of me rather than the termination of me. A return to the Void for integration of the wisdom of having lived, that I might know living, differently. Does this call become louder/stronger/more invitational in now holding that view of death? Does/can death become simply a wise choice in the face of knowing that the current reflection in the mirror is an illusion? Indeed, I am here and not ‘in there’. Where else might that be a truth, in my experience of living?
Yes, there is always more that I can do/be.
Yes, I can find meaning in anything if I look for it.
Yes, I can look on the bright side; turn the other cheek; think of my children; note where the sun is shining instead of where the land is flooding and people are ‘dying’.
In truth, I have no interest in any of that. Why? Because I know something lives behind the reflection in the mirror… and its call intensifies.
For now, that is where the I AM that I am, lives.
It is not good/bad, right/wrong – it simply is.